Civilization v. the California Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV)

 

Our collision of human nature verses unaccountable bureaucracy begins thusly: needed a copy of my DMV registration for reasons explained below, but the security on the DMV website requires that the FORMAT of how you enter your physical address must match what they have on record. Tried three times, no dice. So asked for help online.

Feel free to skip the boring parts: they are many.

Miles (9/15/2021, 3:35:44 PM): Hello, I'm Miles, the California DMV's Virtual Assistant. I'm here to answer general DMV related questions. 

Miles (9/15/2021, 3:35:46 PM): I am pretty smart, but sometimes I hit a bump in the road. If I cannot answer your question, type "agent" or you will be prompted to chat with an agent during normal business hours, 8 a.m.–5 p.m. (Wednesday 9 a.m.-5 p.m.). 

Miles (9/15/2021, 3:35:47 PM): Menu Options:

Online Services

Vehicle/Vessel Registration

Driver's License/ID Card

Moving to California?

REAL ID 

Me (9/15/2021, 3:35:59 PM): agent 

Miles (9/15/2021, 3:36:01 PM): We are currently offering live chat as an option. Our average wait time to speak with an agent is 10 minutes. 

Miles (9/15/2021, 3:36:03 PM): Would you like to wait? 

Miles (9/15/2021, 3:36:04 PM): Menu Options:

Yes, wait for an agent

No, return to Main Menu 

Me (9/15/2021, 3:36:06 PM): Yes, wait for an agent 

Miles (9/15/2021, 3:36:08 PM): Lets start by collecting some basic information: 

Miles (9/15/2021, 3:36:09 PM): What is your First Name? 

Me (9/15/2021, 3:36:13 PM): Kevin 

Miles (9/15/2021, 3:36:15 PM): What is your Last Name? 

Me (9/15/2021, 3:36:17 PM): Madden 

Miles (9/15/2021, 3:36:19 PM): What is your email address? 

Me (9/15/2021, 3:36:23 PM): (I give them my email address)

Miles (9/15/2021, 3:36:25 PM): What is your phone number? 

Me (9/15/2021, 3:36:28 PM): (I give them that, too) 

Miles (9/15/2021, 3:36:29 PM): What is your inquiry about? Select an option below. 

Miles (9/15/2021, 3:36:31 PM): Menu Options:

Driver License

Real ID

Vehicle Registration

Other 

Me (9/15/2021, 3:36:35 PM): Vehicle Registration 

Miles (9/15/2021, 3:36:38 PM): Thank you for contacting us. We have logged case number REDACTED for your inquiry. Please wait for the next available agent. 

DMV Chat Support (9/15/2021, 3:56:52 PM): Thank you for contacting the California Department of Motor Vehicles.  I'm Louie, my agent number is (REDACTED to protect the guilty). 

How may I help you today?

Note: Please see DMV’s privacy policy for more information about our privacy policy, records retention, and privacy compliance: ~!Privacy Policy!~https://www.dmv.ca.gov/portal/dmv/dmvfooter2/privacypolicy/portal/dmv 

Me (9/15/2021, 3:58:31 PM): Hi Louie. 

Me (9/15/2021, 3:58:52 PM): I'm on the road, and trying to get parking permit for my Toyota for when I return to San Francisco at Halloween. 

Me (9/15/2021, 3:59:21 PM): To do so, I must enter the registration address \"as formatted\" which I don't have, as I bought my vehicle using Shift.com 

Me (9/15/2021, 3:59:50 PM): Despite me asking for them to mail it to  me, and send me a PDF a dozen times to where I am \"on the road,\" they sent it to my apartment in San Francisco. 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:00:12 PM): So can't copy the format for that question (to get a copy of my registration, which apparently I have to pay $2 for) 

DMV Chat Support (9/15/2021, 4:00:45 PM): I can confirm the address you have on file if that will help. 

DMV Chat Support (9/15/2021, 4:00:53 PM): May I have your vehicle’s license plate number, please? 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:01:36 PM): BRB 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:01:48 PM): REDACTED ADDRESS 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:01:58 PM): No, I know the address on the file.  

Me (9/15/2021, 4:02:12 PM): That won't help. YOUR employer demands the format be identical. 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:02:36 PM): Or I can't get a copy! Why don't you know this? 

DMV Chat Support (9/15/2021, 4:02:51 PM): DMV does not issue parking permits. This must be done through the City not the State. 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:04:01 PM): DUDE. 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:04:07 PM): I am NOT asking for parking permits. 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:04:16 PM): I am asking as I wrote for a copy of my registration. 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:04:19 PM): Scroll up. 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:04:34 PM): Reading comprehension is a huge issue at the DMV, every time I have a problem caused by the DMV. 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:04:45 PM): This is why Republicans hate us. 

DMV Chat Support (9/15/2021, 4:06:02 PM): Let me make sure I understand your question. You would like to request for a copy of your registration card mailed to your current address, is that correct? 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:07:40 PM): Jesus Christ NO. 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:08:09 PM): I am asking for a PDF of my registration, which is only possible if I fill out the DMV form online EXACTLY as formatted on the registration I DO NOT HAVE. 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:08:54 PM): If I can generate a PDF of my registration (after 3 times, your agency locks you out), I can then get my parking permit in SF. 

DMV Chat Support (9/15/2021, 4:09:03 PM): Who is "them" who sent you the document to your apartment? 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:09:15 PM): Shift.com 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:09:39 PM): In conjunction with the DMV. Despite repeated requests to have it Fedexed to me, to which they agreed. Again, I am traveling. 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:10:33 PM): So again, I need to know the EXACT FORMATTING of my address on the registration to get a copy of the registration. Genius security by the DMV, I must say. 

DMV Chat Support (9/15/2021, 4:10:45 PM): The issue is, proof of registration cannot be provided via a PDF format. It is only mailed to your address on file, or to a mailing address on file.

If you need a Vehicle Record Printout, this is a separate document that may also list your current address on file (however this is NOT proof of registration), this may come in a PDF format online once purchased for $2. 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:11:05 PM): Is that NOT EXACTLY WHAT I WROTE? 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:11:22 PM): You seem unfamiliar with the process I am enduring. 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:11:36 PM): This is an epic chat. 

DMV Chat Support (9/15/2021, 4:11:56 PM): Yes, these are your only options. You may either complete a Change of Address to add a mailing address on file then order a replacement registration card online.

Or purchase a Vehicle Record Printout for $2. 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:12:19 PM): I AM ASKING YOU FOR THE FORMAT SO I CAN GET THE VEHICLE RECORD PRINTOUT FOR $2 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:13:10 PM): I can't GET the record printout without duplicating the FORMAT of my own address. How do you NOT know this? How can you help me if you don't know that? 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:14:08 PM): This is why Democrats become Republicans. 

DMV Chat Support (9/15/2021, 4:14:12 PM): This is why I offered confirming your address in the first place. 

For verification purposes, please confirm the following details for me:

Year and make of the vehicle,

Your full legal name that would appear on record, and

Your current address on file. 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:14:23 PM): 2018 Toyota Rav4 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:14:26 PM): Kevin A. Madden 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:14:31 PM): REDACTED (my address) 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:14:34 PM): SF CA 94109 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:15:25 PM): I KNOW MY ADDRESS. Do you not know the word \"format,\" and not know your agency requires submitting my address in THAT format (which I don't have access to), to get that copy? 

DMV Chat Support (9/15/2021, 4:15:32 PM): Try removing the # sign. 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:15:32 PM): It is YOUR security system! 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:15:55 PM): Try telling me precisely the format, including if I need the city state and zip. 

DMV Chat Support (9/15/2021, 4:15:55 PM): The information you enter online is not checked against DMV’s database, so the information you enter on the screen does not have to match what is on your DL/ID, or in the DMV system. If you changed your address within the last couple years, please try both your old and new address. 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:16:08 PM): I HAVE NOT CHANGED ANYTHING - JESUS H. CHRIST 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:16:22 PM): Show me the exact format on my registration please: copy it and paste it. 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:16:26 PM): format 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:16:27 PM): format 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:16:28 PM): format 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:16:33 PM): i know the content 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:16:34 PM): content 

DMV Chat Support (9/15/2021, 4:16:35 PM): You have provided me with the correct address. Please remove the # sign, and please enter the city name in full. 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:16:41 PM): show 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:16:42 PM): me 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:16:43 PM): the 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:16:44 PM): who;e 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:16:46 PM): whole 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:16:47 PM): thing 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:16:48 PM): correctly 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:16:50 PM): formatted 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:16:51 PM): please 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:16:54 PM): for God's sake 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:16:57 PM): you sadist 

DMV Chat Support (9/15/2021, 4:16:59 PM): I cannot provide your address on this chat. I may only confirm it. 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:17:12 PM): So here's what I'll try: 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:17:27 PM): REDACTED (my address) 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:17:32 PM): Will that work on YOUR system? 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:18:01 PM): Yes or no. If no, please tell me what to change.  

DMV Chat Support (9/15/2021, 4:18:05 PM): Without the word Apt. Just the number. 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:18:10 PM): I started this question an hour ago 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:18:19 PM): So: 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:18:25 PM): I confirm their 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:18:27 PM): Yes? 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:18:57 PM): ? 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:19:05 PM): BRB - will try to enter that. 

DMV Chat Support (9/15/2021, 4:19:24 PM): That is correct. 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:19:56 PM): Will try it. Please check back in a few. 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:21:44 PM): \"Information provided does not match information currently stored on your DMV record.\" 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:22:04 PM): Gee, thanks for all the help. Do you have a supervisor I can scream at? Need their name, direct phone number, and email. 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:22:06 PM): Thanks bunches. 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:23:06 PM): I started to hold for this \"help\" 70 minutes ago. So you can imagine I might be a little frustrated with you giving me incorrect information, when you get paid a salary to give me correct information. 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:23:26 PM): Sitting by for supervisor contact info. 

DMV Chat Support (9/15/2021, 4:24:50 PM): Unfortunately, the DMV website is run by a third party. This is where the issue comes in where for some reason users cannot be verified correctly even if they are providing accurate information online. We have brought this concern so many times up above and it is still an issue. For that, I apologize.

Please allow me a moment to transfer you to a manager. 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:25:03 PM): You know what? I don't feel like hanging out for it any longer. Please email the above to (my email address) n.b. - never heard from them 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:25:06 PM): Pass, thanks. 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:25:27 PM): The DMV is trying to save money by offshoring it? Swell. 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:25:55 PM): If you had lead with that tidbit you finally admitted, we could have both saved a lot of time. 

Me (9/15/2021, 4:25:58 PM): bye 

Kevin's Should Be Award-Winning Allergy Strategy, Born in 1995, Revised 2010, Shared Last in 2021

Newest drug adopted a decade ago at the top. 

Caveat. I am not a medical professional, so any advice here is just from a guy who moved to a rural, farming county when he was 23, and thought his sinus infections were getting worse, because he insisted he didn’t have allergies. That was more than 30 years ago.

Start with OTC (Over the Counter): Loratadine made the rest of these unnecessary. I take it daily in my allergy seasons.

Chlorpheniramine, 4 mg , one tablet or two at bed-time, depending on severity. Available over the counter. Decongestant. (no longer take)

Guiatex La #30 - name for Entex - VERY strong decongestant, taken twice a day, with LOTS of water. (Haven’t taken in 20 years. Pre-loratadine.)

Beconase - steroid inhalant, taken two sprays in each nostril, once in a.m., once in p.m. Effective about two days after you begin, it is an antihistamine - it stops your membranes from secreting mucus when they're irritated by an allergen. It is best if you do this right after you do the nasal lavage below. (Still take sometimes. Honestly, this next thing is what makes the difference for most of us.)

(Caveat three or four. I lost count: No idea why people use a “Neti pot,” as it isn’t pressurized to get the water up there and wash stuff out. Gravity is one of my favorite things in the world - huge fan - but insufficient for getting water up into parts of my sinuses.)

MOST IMPORTANT THING - nasal lavage. Buy a rubber ear bulb. Fill a coffee cup with warmed, distilled water (no tap water or bottled water -  minerals etc. will irritate your mucus membranes further). 

Stir in half a teaspoon of salt and a quarter teaspoon of baking soda. Warm in your microwave to lukewarm (cold - BAD; hot - BURNS).  Fill the bulb, and with your head upright, while you stand over a sink (water is going all to come out one of your nostrils in a second), insert the tip into a nostril, and with whatever hand is comfortable, close the flange of that nostril to make a seal around it. Then squeeze; the water goes up, cleans the entrances to your sinus cavities, washes away the irritants, and comes out the other nose.

Then do the other side.

Do lavage as frequently as necessary; every few hours is ideal. Nasal lavage will change the allergist’s life.

Possibly Influential Thing: - When I eat fewer dairy products, cheese on the pizza, ice cream, all of them, I became a much less snotty person. My chronic sinusitis virtually vanished. For many of us, it's news that it isn't just people from Asia who have an allergy to dairy products, that in fact many of us have this allergy. Consider giving it up for a month combined with tracking your health - don't take my word for it.     

Seeking Lost Autographs, Stolen the spring of 1998, McNear Elementary School, Petaluma, CA

Twenty-three years ago, I was co-teaching general music with a very fine guitar player, Kyle. I did not see it coming: have brought two books of autographs to share with the kids from my dad that my dad had got for me when he worked as a musician at Harrah's Tahoe. They are all signed to me, Kevin.

I had passed out two books of 8 x 10 glossy photos, and at the end of the hour, only got one back. I asked the kids to stay for a few minutes past the bell, but folded, and went back to ask the principal the following week if it had shown up. Looking back of course, I wish I had made the kids stay and made a scene, but it was just so shocking that somebody would steal something so personal, that I really didn’t know what to do. As I'm known for being assertive and confrontational, can't tell you how uncharacteristic this was of me. When theft happens, it is sometimes shocking - especially when it is from a group of 10 and 11-year-olds. 

Wanted to post this plea at the holidays of 2020, but felt too disappointed in humanity. Asking after a quarter-century for the return of something is a bit of an ask, but imaging hearing nothing back felt too depressing. I also have no idea why this has been particularly on my mind and bothering me lately, but the metaphors for loss during a pandemic are pretty obvious.

The signatures are all made out to me, Kevin (the stars would get a list of names, and thought that everyone on the list was in the band or on the crew, so you'll see many "thank you's"),  from everybody from my musical childhood musical hero Mac Davis, to Dolly Parton, to Jose Feliciano, and as my dad died in 2006, the collection is one of the few things from him left that I really treasure.

Kids are not really able to keep secrets: I know that somebody at the school, who is now a person in middle-age, (sorry to break that to you if you hadn’t thought about it before), as the 10-year-old of yesterday is now 33, knows what happened to it.

Condolences are kind but unnecessary: all I seek is their return. Please think of anyone you know from Petaluma, and share this posting with them. If you heard something, please run it down/check it out before sharing it with me. I have no desire to hassle the innocent, or even really the guilty.

Thanks for spreading the word. I'd like that huge, 3 ring binder full of my childhood back.

Kevin's Beyond-Last-Minute Holiday Gift Suggestions 2020, Too Late for Chanukah, and Yet Ideal Even if Late

I wanted to finish this list a week ago. 

Like you wanted to finish your online shopping, but haven't, because you know it won't get delivered in time. And you're not supposed to drive around to drop it off, because you know why.

As today, December 21st is solstice, and thus the shortest day of the year, this will be a remarkably short list of recommendations, with the distinguishing feature that each of the makers is known to me. I do not owe them any money. So there's that, in case you foul-minded people were wondering. Which you weren't until I noted that. Or were you?

Though I personally know these folks, any of them can compete in their expertise on the world stage, so buy with confidence, or bookmark for what we all hope is a flush 2021.

There is stuff in this list that is ten bucks; there is stuff here for a couple grand. Worth a look.

Recycle *THIS* San Franciscans

An Open Letter to:

Zoey Kroll, Internet Communications Coordinator for the San Francisco Department of the Environment;

Robert Reed, Public Relations Manager of Recology;

Jack Macy, Zero Waste Coordinator, City of San Francisco

Lady and Gentlemen:

Greetings to two fellow members of the Professional Organization of English Majors, and the third, unprivileged wretch. I hope your pestilence is as pleasant as it can be, and that this finds you well.

I write to notify you of a great concern: your transmissions in the Great Psychic Environmental Program are not working.

Allow me to explain. A twenty year resident of the City, and ardent environmentalist, I was but one of many who cheered as San Francisco radically reduced its waste by having a recycling and composting bin available to each resident, thus ceasing the ludicrous practice of shoving into the ground that which could in one case be used to grow new food and drink for us all, and in the other, be readily reused. When I visit relatives and friends in other towns, I note that many other municipalities still don't even mandate the most modest recycling efforts.

About every five years as an apartment dweller, I receive a mailing outlining recycling procedures, but other than that, as for all information we seek, I must rely on internet search findings, as none of your respective departments reach my eyes and ears via any single major news and information source, from Twitter, to Facebook, to KQED, to the San Francisco Chronicle. Indeed, I can't recall receiving a single instruction as to what may be recycled other than the sticker on the bins, and that every-few-years mailing.

And some aren't as caring as am I: don't even get me started on finding plastic bags in the compost, and styrofoam filling the recycling bin. Except mysteriously when that guy on the third floor is on vacation.

When I did use a search engine on that internet thing to learn what plastics are permissible (the main material with which our species is killing our planet), this is what I found:

https://sfenvironment.org/which-plastics-are-recyclable-in-sf.

On said page, readers are encouraged to "Please bundle clean soft plastic into one bag and place in the blue recycling bin," which raises two questions: which residents actually do that (is it more than six people, two of which have OCD?), and how are they supposed to know to do it, since presumably not many are receiving said psychic transmissions. Secondly, I just learned that the blue part is a link, taking one to a page full of information about what IS recyclable: https://sfrecycles.org.

Of course, you recycling professionals know that this is ridiculous on several levels. First, it encourages what one wit dubbed "aspirational recycling." When on Earth Day I posted a short video asking people to consider how much single use plastics they are generating, and to pick three creators of products they like and gently, repeatedly encourage them to find another way for the generators of the waste bring their products to market, a friend wrote saying that she just puts all her plastics in the recycling bin.

Imagine her surprise when I sent her this radio story about what becomes most of the plastic:  Where Your Plastic REALLY Goes. Yep, it burns it heaps in poor countries: shocking, as this never happens with any other problem we industrialized countries don't want to deal with and export to countries that just can't say "no," as they possess neither navies nor nuclear warheads to aid their polite refusal.

Given that we are not receiving your GPEP transmissions, could you please respond here as to what precisely happens with each of these different kinds of plastics I have photographed below?

We repurpose it, it is bundled with others of its kind and blah blah blah doesn't tell us what we naturally want to know: seriously, what becomes of the objects I have photographed to learn more? In just a month, I alone generated several grocery bags of plastic, despite my best pre-cycling efforts.

Despite your failings as transmitters of psychic energy to instruct residents on how to recycle, and what becomes of recycled objects, you all three do important work, and of course are hampered by policies you don't dictate. Nonetheless, it falls to you to instruct the City's denizens on how and what to do, and teach us what becomes of our efforts.

Thank you in advance for your cooperative, collective response. Again, what precisely becomes of each of these single-use plastics, and what will you do to change your outreach to better educate residents?

Kevin A. Madden, M.A.Ed.
POEM

The Plague - 7 things Governor Newsom Can Do Better

An Open Letter to the Honorable Governor Gavin Newsom:

On the whole, I've been very pleased by your conduct during this rolling crisis. Those who know me are aware of my three central critiques of you: like many, not using the power you had when you had it (as mayor), mistaking binders of data and policy for measurable changes (I think you pulled down the YouTube videos you made as Mayor explaining your policy ideas, sincerely thinking we San Franciscans would watch a total of 10 hours of talking at the camera), and talking forcefully as though you have said something.

This is me playing the piano at Dan's house for a fundraiser for you in 2007:

This is Dan, another guest, and me looking in the direction of some guy talking.

This is the guy talking.

This is you (when you were San Francisco's mayor) about ten minutes after you blew off my question about MUNI.

All Photos by Mischa Photography (yes, I paid Mischa for the shots)

Now then, here is my terse list:

1.  Brevity is the soul of wit. Only about 20% of each of your daily conferences are new information. 

Keep it to 10 minutes of scripted/unimprovised communication, plus another 10 minutes of screened call-ins (should only be asking new questions). We don't want to be entertained; we want to be informed. You're a good improviser, but we pay you to govern, and me and my professional entertainment buddies, who improvise professionally, script most of what we say.

I turned the radio down to write this during your address, and you're STILL talking. Ministers (professional talkers) talk one hour once a week. Consider that. We appreciate you saying of yourself that you are "long winded" in some of your answers, but would prefer you dropping the habit altogether.

2. Create a single page of pandemic-centric information on the state of California's website, divided into sections with the newest information (e.g. unemployment insurance updates, gig worker updates, data for all patients/deaths, numbers to call for the isolated/lonely, etc.). 

Nobody is taking notes on what you are saying, and consolidating updated information is invaluable, and no California bureaucrats are doing it in this manner. We need one-stop shopping for good information.

3. Somebody told you that your new, pet phrase, "meeting this moment" is helpful and non-divisive. That person is an idiot. The phrase is Orwellian, and off-putting. Be less worried about offending people: keep following your good instincts to bring us together.

4. Kick some ass: the date on the state's unemployment page, I shit you not, is 2018. For those of us who gig for a living, please note the two, contradictory instructions on how to file:

Demote the two persons in charge of the website (one is IT, and the other is policy), and go on a 24 hour hunt for the competent person for those two disciplines already working there, who has written memos demanding that the state do better. Promote them. Now. 

To do this, have your senior staff call people to discover the truth using the phone: everybody in a given bureaucracy knows who is the dead weight, and who is quietly going insane because they know it doesn't have to be this way. Demote & promote, now.

5. Demand that "essential businesses" follow the policies & procedures I outlined here, because magician English major retired piano players can be of use during plagues: 7 Things Your "Essential Business" Isn't Doing

6. Invoke emergency legislation, and place the 15-20% (made up statistic) of homeless who suffer from significant brain trauma (violence or drug-induced), schizophrenia, or bi-polar disorder, and involuntarily conserve them. It is less expensive and kinder to do this than deal with the chaos and damage they will cause in shelters and hotel rooms, and further injuries they will sustain. The majority of the homeless will benefit from just being sheltered for now, and persons who are struggling outdoors will benefit from not making the incompetent fend for themselves during a pandemic.

7. There is a Los Angeles emergency physician getting results (despite Trump's advocacy) with zinc and hydroxychloroquine: COVID19 Combo Curing 

Create a task force staffed by clinicians to daily gather treatment outcomes for several major California hospitals: see if this (or another treatment) is working anecdotally, and see if you can get enough data to make the data though not controlled (i.e. with a control group), definitive nonetheless. You will learn what procedures were tried, what were the outcomes, and see if we can rush toward a successful cure.

8. Well, sorry. It's eight not seven points. At that fundraiser years ago Governor, I asked you a question that I still remember. You had floated a policy that if MUNI (San Francisco's public transit system) didn't hit certain marks of performance, there would be consequences. 

They didn't hit the marks, so I asked you what were the consequences. You hemmed, you hawed, you talked about the weather, but you didn't answer my question.

Earlier in the week, a reporter asked you about your change of policy on masks, and you insisted you'd not changed your policy on it (from for emergency personnel only so as to not exhaust supplies, to yes, everybody should be wearing one). We're not stupid. We remember what you said. 

Here is the new sentence that I need you to say when the situations is so warranted: "I made a mistake, and I've changed my mind."

* * *

Again, I think you're doing a fine job. I think you'd agree that you could do better, and the eight points above would result a sea-change in the effectiveness of your governance during this pandemic. 

Hope this finds you and your family well.

Sincerely,

Kevin the Critic™

The Plague - 7 Things Your Essential Business Isn't Doing

Cole’s on Polk Doing the Plague Right

7 Policies That Will Save Lives is a more politic title, but not as compelling.

Greetings from San Francisco. Hope this finds you, dear reader, safe at home, and not watching too much TV. It’s not good for you.

At this point, the main source of new infections are perhaps the places where we all must gather for essentials, food especially.


If you own or manage one of these essential businesses, the chance of you running across this blog posting are slim to none: you hardly have time to eat. But perhaps a customer or employee will share it with you, and you can do your part to help slow the spread of this virus by insisting on these life-saving policies.



The Seven Simple Practices


1. Limit capacity of store to 1/4th of what the fire marshal has posted over the door, enforced by security guard at the door, who asks customers lining up to maintain 6 feet of space around each of themselves.

2. No customer permitted entry without a mask; nobody may work without wearing one.

3. Employees wipe down the keypad after each entry (any approved substance is fine, but if alcohol-based, minimum of 70%), as well as the basket handles, before made available to next customer (make it impossible for a used basket picked up by next person).

4. Employees maintain 6 feet of distance between one another, and their customers.

5. Put red Xs on the ground showing customers where to stand both in cashier lines & specialty cues (butcher, sandwich, etc.). 

6. Get a plexiglass shield up that covers MOST of the area across the counter, and have customers hold their own items for scanning. 

7. Big signs up on doors that are now locked, otherwise hundreds of hands will touch that handle, spreading contagion.

If every essential business in my country (and worldwide) did this, you’d be eliminating the major, remaining point of transmission.

Wishing you all good health and prosperity.



Curt Movie Reviews - Animal House (1978)

I love stupid humor when it’s well done, from Something About Mary, to Brooks/Reiner, to the freaking Marx Brothers.

Animal House is entirely made of casual and explicit racism (“The negroes stole our dates,”) sexism, alcohol abuse, homophobia, the encouragement of date rape, women as on virgins or whores, the celebration of bodily functions, running cars into crowds of people, and 30 year old actors cast as 20 year olds. If you like that sort of thing.

The most poorly aged “comedy” that I’ve seen in a while.

Just Fix It - Google's Chrome Browser infected with the notorious "weknow" virus

March 12, 2020

This is a series I'll be writing where I share my invaluable, world-changing insights with companies small and large, who will then ignore me. 

Summary: If you're on a Mac and use Chrome for a browser, at some point you might have an odd window that pops up, and looks somewhat like the sui generis Google Search. It ain't: it's a nasty bit of malware.

Just Fix It: Google is one of the largest companies on the planet earth, which before today's historic stock market crash, was still worth 1 trillion dollars, which is more than any normal person can even conceptualize.

They can deal with their malware pro by paying staff to do so. They just can't be bothered.

1. There are online instructions how to fix it. They didn't work for me so far.
2. The instructions are not well written nor organized by 3rd parties. https://novirus.uk/weknow-ac-virus/ is a typical example.
3. The only thing that will work is way beyond my abilities: users must do some computer programming, using the terminal app to write line code, as described here: https://discussions.apple.com/thread/8501039?answerId=33897572022#33897572022

If readers fondly recall Google's  motto, "Do no evil" that they've since rescinded, you'll acknowledge the observation that for evil to keep going, it means that good people don't say anything, and don't do anything.

Shame on you, Google. Not doing the right thing enables those actively doing wrong.

Just Fix It - Teladoc

February 24, 2020

This is a series I'll be writing where I share my invaluable, world-changing insights with companies small and large, who will then ignore me. 

Summary: I've had this app for a couple of years. My medical provider makes it available to me, because presumably the vast majority of things humans need to have treated will can be addressed with a cursory examination, and if indicated, prescription. 

In theory, you schedule a video call with a M.D., who either refers you back to your provider, or prescribes medications.


Just Fix It: Whoever is making this thing has to have huge resources, and they aren't using them well. When I used it two years ago, it worked better than it did last week. That's not how it's supposed to go.

1. Haven't logged-in in quite some time, and had to do a byzantine password reset, because it insists the saved password was wrong. PW recovery, especially for an app that is very rarely used, should be quick and easy: user name should be your email address.
2. Made an appointment for 1 pm. Nobody called by 2 pm, so left for the day to do stuff.
3. Cancelled, and had to call to reschedule for 5:45 pm. To call and reschedule took almost 30 minutes on the phone.
4. Doc started calling about 3:15. Explained that I was in public, and hoped to hear from him at 5:45.
5. He called again I think at 5:15 or so, and we got the medical business done.

The idea of the app is fantastic - no reason to go in a room full of other sick people spreading/contracting contagion, when a quick consult where they can take a look at visible symptoms might save everybody time and money.

But again, this did none of the above. Waste of my time, the physician's, and the app maker/parties running it have no excuse: it should be better, not worse than it was two years ago. 

Just Fix It - the Couch to 5k/Run 5k iPhone App by Felt Tip Inc.

February 19, 2020

This is the first of a series I'll be writing where I share my invaluable, world-changing insights with companies small and large, who will then ignore me. 

Summary: I've had this app since I started running at the end of 2010, so as to get in shape for the Bay to Breakers centennial. The "BtoB" is the longest, continuously held footrace on the planet earth (109 years and counting), from the bottom of the Bay Bridge here in San Francisco, to the Pacific Ocean's waves breaking 7.45 miles away.

I wouldn't be here running today without it, because I don't like running, and am not good at it (but do it because, per Jack LaLanne "I like the results"). Apps like this are critical for my unfortunate pattern of getting in shape, doing the run, then getting bored a few months later, then sedentary, then needing to start back up. Yes, I should schedule other races. I should also eat less sugar, save more money, and foster animals. I know I know I know.


Bit of History: I've emailed the creators a couple of times over the years. They've fixed most bugs, others they've ignored (or they dumped the offending feature), and oddly, they've completely ignored my suggestion to contact me regarding a variant of their existing program to make a lot of money (given the success of the iBeer, you'd think they'd be at least willing to come to the phone). Alas, not everybody is ready for #ThusSpokeKevinthrustra.

More info at http://felttip.com/support/run-faq.html

Again, they have fixed many bugs over the decade, and I think it's still a great little app.


Just Fix It: No doubt it's a small company, and no doubt they're in a tiny niche now full of competitors (they used to be one of just a few a decade ago). That being said, the following can't be that hard to fix. Most of these would have been caught if given to five beta-testers.

1. Of the apps I own, this is the only one whose major functionality goes away with the flick of a switch. If you forget to put the switch back onto ringer (instead of buzzer), you won't hear the auditory cues. Is it really that hard to fix, after almost a decade of dysfunction?
2. Pace. Don't care about my average walking pace: only care about the average pace during the running segments, AND my current pace: split the screen, showing both.
3. Stretch Transitions: Don’t need so long of a pause between the ones done standing; do need longer amount of time to get to the ground, and between those stretches (saw the longer stretch duration possible in "settings, " but I mean this basic difference between stretches needs addressing).
4. Stretch Tips: Be sure to have a few form reminders to clue users in: "flat back," "head turns opposite from legs," for each stretch.
5. Run Distance Only: Users recognize that an API for other running apps is a bit much to ask, but how hard can it be to have your apps only total the running distance, and not include the walking distance as a separate stat?
6. Bug: Used "pause" during a walk segment, and the app later told me I was running 4 minute miles. Don't think that happened.
7. Music: Is there really that much demand for users wanting to skip sections? The fast forward and backward buttons do that, rather than control music. Having to leave the app to skip a lame song that's on an album or in a list is a far greater need.

Thanks for the runs folks, but could you JUST FIX IT.

Spider-Man: Far From Home - a Review & Plea

You have perhaps read or heard how great this movie is.

It's total garbage, or I have achieved PAFDC (Peak Alienation from Dominant Culture). Can't quite tell from here.

Everyone loves it. Smart people love it. Dumb people love it. Trump haters & lovers love it.

I hate it.

I'm sitting in the cesspool of bad judgement that perhaps gives rise to such societal consensus: a Starbucks in Napa Valley, California on July 4th, which is purportedly Independence Day, but as a gifted curmudgeon (or at least refined contrarian), I can assure you is more of a National Let's Ignore Reality Day.

There are people far more clever than I who would make this critique a ten pager on this, but I won't presume you're that interested. Let's make this quick.

I. Using traditional critical analyses:

1. Dialogue varies from stellar (how people really talk to each other, even if they're teenage super heroes) to wooden (as when Mysterio explains to his colleagues he's worked with for presumably decades why they're doing what they're doing). B-
2. Character Development/Arch is strong except for the villain & Peter's emotional depth. People seem as fully formed as you can in the limited genre/time span except for Peter/Spidey, who gives all of 2 minutes on screen to morn the violent death of his mentor, Tony Stark. Honestly, I still mourn some lovely dead people who died natural deaths for more than a few minutes a day, though they've been gone for years, and am not a moody teenager. B-
3. Plot Holes are numerous and ignored by most viewers, it seems. That nobody recognizes the villain despite years of him working for Tony Stark; that the within the movie über-paranoid protector Nick Fury hadn't had him vetted; that Spidey's high school classmates are so daft that they can't figure out he's who he is; that in the first bad-guy section, the unreal/projected image monsters cause actual damager to physical objects - I could go on, but seriously, why are you all giving them a pass on this? D
4. Plot is kind or charming: Peter just wants to get the girl, and has to make horrific choices beyond the maturity of even a gifted 16 year old. That the high school teachers keep having their European trip rerouted for inexplicable reasons and don't suspect something is afoot however is an unbecoming combination of a major plot-hole and transparently-daft-plot-device, so again, a D.

II. Now then, why I'm in a foul mood:

Came in this Starbucks, which sits kitty-corner to the first coffee house Napa had, here at first and main streets. Hung out there weekly thirty or so years ago for the two years I lived here in the Valley, and Starbucks never met a location it couldn't pilfer. The coffee is not as good at Starbucks (but the wifi is guaranteed to work), and I didn't know that they'd be blasting really loud popular music targeting 15 year old listeners when I first came in to do web-work, and am now annoyed enough to let the productive time degenerate into this scree.

I asked in the following order for my order, Starbucks: 1. real glass, 2. easy on the ice, 3. iced mocha. How hard is that?

So got what you think - a plastic cup (which will never decompose) full of mostly ice. They looked annoyed when I politely asked for what I'd ordered.

Most humans think the destruction of the environment is due to distant bad guys/others, rather than their deplorable consumption habits. I'd prefer shade-tree grown, fair-trade, organic beens like those of Caffe Ibis, but would have settled for just a freakin' glass, like Starbucks and Peets used to automatically give you 20 years ago, but those two companies would rather count their money and fill the planet with trash.

So can't fill an order properly, screw the environment, and how about some loud music you loathe, old musician man guy?  Then I looked around at all the affluence, and hyper-sexualized dressing of children posing as adults (or not prevented from doing so by their doubtless overwhelmed parents), including the flag and red-white-blue themes for the holiday, and thought to myself, 

THIS IS WHY THE MOVIE SUCKS SO BAD.

Look, I'm an English major, jazz aficionado and one time professional piano player, and currently professional magician: I am highly qualified to opine about escapism's value. 

But here's the rub. While children are in cages without their migrant parent who didn't come here to party but to survive, and a lunatic President is making taxpayers pay up for an unprecedented display of military might for a non-partisan holiday for which he's charging for tickets and handing them out to ONE of the TWO political parties as some sort of sick reward for cronyism, we are watching shitty movies (see above for why again, it's a shitty movie) instead of fixing these huge issues, or purchasing worthy stories, products, and services like adults, we are all praising shitty movies and ignoring the greatest threat to democratic norms in this country in anybody's lifetime.

That's why watching shitty movies is dangerous. That's why it's more important than a franchise, or just having a little fun. There are GREAT movies out there deserving your support, but I can't think of one nearly as worthy of your support as the world's oldest Republic, that has been governed by principles which we are watching erode like banks of a river during a flood, as we purchase shitty things and listen to shitty music and pay money for shitty movies.

End Rant

Signed, 

Old Guy Who Can't Afford a Lawn from Which To Berate Those Deserving Berating

May 12, 2019 - of math, and parents

It’s unusual for me to flake on anybody, but especially new friends. The first few meetings, whether with an individual or a group, set a pattern and establish trust, and this was the second time I’d forgotten (late the last time) to meet for Sunday at the farmers market to talk politics and scheme for a better San Francisco. At this meeting, I hoped to talk a bit more specific about the numbers to help our agenda for a city governed by common sense. Despite being an English major with severe learning disabilities, I am always doing the math.

It’s not unusual for humans to look for patterns, and my brain was a bit surprised this last few days to see this first meeting of two different dates of some import in my 52 years. Though mom died in 2017, and dad in 2006, this is the first time that Mother’s Day has fallen ever on Dad’s birthday with both of them gone. It might seem like a bit of a stretch to you reading this, but there we have it. I get to think about it again in seven years, when I will be almost 60. Always doing the math.

There were many days, when they were both alive, that filial piety was just that: an obligation born of the simple fact of being someone’s child. Sometimes as an adult, I was happy to join them for the day, with or without brunch, others I drove up because I knew they’d like it, and that there’s been so many when I lived in other countries or was in college, and could not. I also knew a time was coming when I’d be able to see neither of them. My main regret? Not asking more questions, and not trying harder to get the needle out of the groove. Instead of being careful to get all of the soap off the dishes (dad, how many news reports have you heard of hospitalization for soap poisoning?), maybe asking him why he jumped ship from the Harry James big band, and joined Billy Eckstine. Instead of describing the sadism of her mother, learning how an asthmatic, jewish girl from Tujunga, Los Angeles got into serious choral music, and became good enough at it such that the choir she founded went to Carnegie Hall, four times. Always doing, or citing, the math.

But grooves are familiar, and the questions I did manage to sneak in were sometimes met with hostility (I’ve told you that a million times), lack of interest (who cares {uh, me}), no memory of the event, or ... astonishing stories that set me back in my chair. My father’s nickname as a young blond (he was never blond to me) being “Whitey,” my middle name named for mom’s favorite uncle. Sometimes, these human events stopped my inner calculator.

The calculator is always working. If I meet someone who is 20, their birth-year is the year I moved to San Francisco; if they are 21, they were conceived the year prior. Tom was 50 when he was mentoring me, which makes him now 72, which is six years younger than mom was when she died. The Oakland Magic Circle, to which I belong, was founded when dad was one year old. I stopped by a hamburger joint to get a shake a few nights ago in Davis, California, coming back from visiting my oldest brother (65), and realized I’d graduated 30 years ago that month, maybe that week, maybe that day. I swore out loud. I had my reasons. But always doing the math.

I write this at a cafe where I’ve been coming for about eighteen years. There is a great deal to do: the apartment is a disaster (as it often is), particularly victimized by its neglect due to marketing, rehearsing, and doing a new magic show, and after doing the emotional math, I concluded you’ll have to find the show rather than me posting a link. Yesterday’s multi-part tweet was a marketing piece, but using dead mom and dad to sell a tickets is not my intent. Perhaps I can be accused of doing the emotional math, in even noting the new show.

If you ask me (the guy at the cafe who has ignored me for ten years across from me will not even make eye contact, much less ask me anything) why I am writing this, I confess I have no idea. I had the thought to write something, hesitated (per my friend of Carl’s advise to always insist on working to make your art as perfect as can be), but decided this isn’t for art.

I wrote it mostly for me, and to pay some respects to David H. Madden and Linda Hughes, two remarkable, flawed people, without whom there would be none of my magic shows nor blogs nor ADHD moments nor playing Bach with mistakes for a paid audience nor climbing cranes 31 years ago on my last day in Vienna to see the sunrise, nor 20 years in what they called “the City” come this August, nor me maybe living as long as they did, and doing things worth doing that were as good as their accomplishments (the challenge of all children, regardless of artistic or philistine homes of origin).

Forgive me, new friends: have had a bit on my mind. And dear reader, regardless of the difficulty of your parents, or their state in life, if they are around, consider telling them you love them (if it is so, however qualified), and perhaps asking them a question or two.

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